Sometimes I feel as if I’m piling on the marginalities, pushing myself further and further into the outskirts of the communities to which I feel I belong. I’m black, Haitian, bisexual, atheist, ex Jehovah’s Witness and a woman to boot. Although r/atheism has been by far the most accommodating place, the place that has made me feel the most welcome, I still have trouble finding a place to fit in. My experience with Christianity is in some ways vastly different than that majority of redditors (I realize that not all of you are Christian but the majority of r/atheism does come from a Christian background). I feel as though I’m a fair weather atheist. I can talk about my beliefs here and with my friends but never with whom it matters, my family. I feel sick every time I attend a meeting but I know I could not live with myself if I stopped (anyone familiar with Jehovah’s Witnesses know a bit about the consequences). I’m confronted with racism (institutionalized and otherwise) that is not part of the Haitian experience. As a Haitian, I do not share the history of slavery in the United States nor do I share the relationship with religion that African Americans have but I’ve been treated as though I do or I should. I’ve been told I’m not black enough when, quite frankly, I’m not black (at least not in the way that it was meant). I have been told by queer women point blank that they will not date me because I am also attracted to men and I have been propositioned for threesomes by men more times than I can count (because bisexual = anti-monogamy apparently).
Logically I know this is ridiculous, but every once in a while a little voice says, you don’t matter. No one cares. I’m usually fairly quick to tell it to stfu but the damage is done. Its like those lawyers on TV that ask a question they know the jury will be told to disregard. Its already been processed, presented and no amount of logic will completely lock it away. So sometimes I feel alienated and alone. Sometimes I feel as though I am lost or tied up or silenced or all three at once. Sometimes because of something specific (like the time someone’s response to a comment they didn’t agree with was “what kind of backwards female logic is that” and sometimes because of nothing in particular.
Thinking Enigma
/ January 23, 2012I completely understand what you mean about not being able to be open with your family. My atheism is known to my family, but it is forbidden as a topic of conversation. If it is brought up, it is in the context of my family telling me what an awful person I am, and how I should repent and turn back to Christianity. I would suggest trying to find other atheists in your area, and hanging out with them on a regular basis. This has greatly helped me deal with the people surrounding me in the rest of my life. Are you independent of your family, or are you still at home? This will greatly affect what you can do. If you are not yet independent, try to do so as soon as possible, as this will give you a security net if you were to experience social rejection because of your doubts. I wish you all the best.
bowofartemis
/ January 28, 2012I was independent for a while, when I was at school. I’ve had to move back recently though while I get myself ready for grad school in the fall. I have managed to find a few great friends, both atheist and otherwise, who have been very supportive of me as a person while at school. Unfortunately, while I’m at home, my parents are doing their best to try and limit my contact with them (through guilt mostly). I’ll be gone soon, thankfully, and back to being a mostly happy person
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Pseudonym
/ January 23, 2012There’s an r/exjw subreddit. I’m sure the community would love to have you subscribe
bowofartemis
/ January 23, 2012Thanks, I’ve been lurking around there for quite some time lol
BJ Swearer
/ January 28, 2012I now have a better understanding of why your’re struggling with what we’ve been discussing over on my blog. Let me just say this…..We are all human beings. We all have things about us that we might not like. We have all had moments where we felt alone, misunderstood, that nobody cares, that we are worthless. For some, more than others. But that little voice whispering in your ear? I hope that eventually you can come to realize that is the voice of evil trying to tear you down. And I honestly hope that the voice of God will drown out that negativity with joy
bowofartemis
/ January 28, 2012I’m curious to know what in this post led you to believe I was struggling with the discussion on your blog. Also, I appreciate the sentiment behind the post but I’ve basically stripped it of all religious and spiritual connotations in order to do so
BJ Swearer
/ January 29, 2012Struggling, as in why the two of us are disagreeing and wrestling over that issue….not in terms of one of us winning and the other losing. What you’ve said in your post here clearly indicates to me that things have caused you to have felt “alone”, “misunderstood”, “lost”, “not cared about” at some point. That you’ve had to struggle to be accepted by your parents, by religious groups and by non-religious groups. Life is a struggle. That can explain why the questions about life are also a struggle. Hope that makes sense.